The other day my hands were cold and it reminded me of when I was a kid. My dad would take my hand between his and rub his hands really fast to warm them. It really worked. He did this mostly when I was at the worst part of my anorexia, when the lanugo that was trying to warm my body quit working.
My dad yelled at me and tried to violently force-feed me when I was anorexic, but he also warmed my hands. He was just a dad who wanted his sick daughter to get better and he didn't know how to do that. Not that I think my dad should have treated me badly, but I understand why he did. And I forgive him. Because dwelling on someone who treated you shitty just makes life stink. Might as well figure they didn't know any better and move on with your life. Mind you I'm on 200mg of Sertraline and 3mg of Clonazepam as I type this ode to dear old dad.
I used to always get depressed on Father's Day because of my dad's and my rocky relationship. Now that I've entered the Logan clan, which has an incredible amount of nurturing, family-oriented, awesome dads in it such as Hank, his dad, his brother and his uncle and dad's cousins, I love celebrating Father's Day. But I still feel a little empty inside when I peruse the selection of Father's Day cards at the store, reading each one and thinking, "I could never give this one to my dad." They're too lovey-dovey.
But over the years, my dad has softened. Not just his belly, but his hard heart. Since we no longer live together and see each other infrequently, the time apart from fighting has made it easier to appreciate him when we are together. I complain a lot about my dad, how cold he was, how rage-filled he was, how self-centered he was, but he wasn't all bad, as no human being is.
Here are some things I feel Calvin Spencer did right raising me:
1) He read to me when I was a baby and pre-reader every night. My mom gave him this "job", but he could have said no. He and my mom were frequent visitors of the public library because he didn't believe in buying books you could share for free. I have no memories of my dad ever being without a book to read himself too, which is a great example to show a kid.
2) He fed me when I was a baby, another "job" my mom gave him (since he refused to change diapers or, well, basically do any other in-home parenting activity). Dad and I have always had a love of food in common. When I first started showing an interest in "ethnic" cuisine even though no one else liked it, my dad enthusiastically took me to Chinese restaurants. He's always willing to try new foods. I've even gotten him to go to my favorite Indian restaurant with me, India Palace in OP.
3) When I was almost 13, shortly after we moved to Overland Park and were wanting to explore our new neighborhood, my mom suggested we drive through Mission Hills (the richest part of the Greater KC area) to show me the big houses. My dad said, "I'd rather drive around the ghetto to show Sydney how good she has it." He taught me to appreciate the life I have and not compare myself to people who seem to have things better than I do.
4) When I was sixteen and got my driver's license, my dad gave me a laminated quarter I was told to keep in my purse in case I was ever out somewhere drinking so I could call home for a ride. He told me stories of his teenage buddies and him drinking and falling out of cars, nearly killing themselves. He said to call anytime I was stuck somewhere. (Remember, when I was a teenager in the mid to late 80s hardly anyone had a "car phone" and pay phones were everywhere. A call was a quarter.)
5) My dad has had two bypass heart surgeries, one in the early 80s and one a couple of years ago. His first heart attack was before I was even born. He's now 84 and he dances and walks regularly. When he had his first bypass surgery in the early 80s, the doctor told my mom that he only expected my dad to live another five years or so. My dad changed his eating and exercise habits, gets regular medical checkups, and takes good care of his body. My dad has shown me that hard work pays off in the long run, and that it's possible to change bad habits.
6) My dad, with all his flaws, has taught me not to give up on people, that everyone, no matter how mean or selfish or annoying they are deserves to be loved, even when it's difficult to do so. And that even though it's difficult for some people to show you in obvious ways how much they love you, if you pay attention to small details, you know that they do.
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